#Peace With Who I Am

Posted: February 6, 2014 in Made To Crave, Online Bible Study, Proverbs 31 OBS
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Here I am in week 3 of the Proverbs 31 Made To Crave online Bible Study

No way. 

This week I wanted to tackle a topic that is very dear to my heart and has been the most underlying reason that kept me from really allowing myself to experience Gods love for most of my life. That’s a pretty bold statement I know. My topic – Is it possible to make peace with the realities of our bodies? If yes, how? 

I was born 31 years ago with several “birth defects” or “disabilities” or even identified to me as “special gifts from God.” I was born with my right arm and hand significantly smaller and shorter than my left. I was missing a left ear canal and my right ear drum was punctured which resulted in profound hearing-loss. I have calaboma in my left eye (a condition where the eye does not complete the formation process which results in blindness) and strong stigmatism in my right eye. 

And I loved my body so much…


I remember so many evenings after taking my shower, standing in front of the mirror and waiting until I could get my eyes to focus on my face. In my mind I would replay the loneliness I felt during my day at school. Reliving the moment I had vulgar notes thrown into my backpack and written in red marker all over my school books. Feeling the pain of being pushed, tripped, spat on and even kicked into a wall. As I watched tears fill my eyes, roll down my cheeks and into the bathroom sink, I felt so bitter, so disgusted…so afraid of God. Why? Because I believed that He purposefully gave-up completing me. I felt as if He started well, but for some reason, he decided completing me just wasn’t worth His time. I called myself a Christian. I had hope that one day, somehow I could earn favor with God and could really experience the love I read about in the Bible. But as each year passed, I only grew more determined to overcome my “weaknesses” to get noticed by this obviously preoccupied God. 

Bad picture there, right? 

1 year before the wedding

My weight was everywhere showing my internal battle for significance. I grew-up overweight, partially to keep others away. I grew so tired of feeling like I couldn’t fight back – eating became a way to make a buffer between myself and others. In college, however, I met my fiancé. We got engaged and due to work circumstances, we were forced to spend our year engagement on complete opposite sides of the country. So…miles away I was now into the reality that I was getting married and no longer found this buffer needed…at all. I started jogging, eating right and lost an incredible amount of weight in a year’s time (in fact, my wedding dress required alterations to look better with my new slimmer figure…twice!). 

After the wedding


Fast-forward a few years…enter in kids and a few dozen moves…and suddenly the weight was reappearing. Though I wasn’t as heavy as before, I found that it was impossible to keep that healthy for my husband. 

That’s right…it seemed impossible for me to eat right, get up and exercise…for my skinny, can eat anything he wants and get thinner husband! (I love him, but we are on complete opposite sides of the weight issue here!). 


Married 2 years!


Right when I decided to try jogging again, I got sick and begun my battle with GBS and double brain cancer. Due to the intense chemo and radiation, I lost half of my body weight in a matter of months. Most saw this as a dangerous issue…I was so disoriented, I became absolutely thrilled with the fact that I needed new clothes. Yes…I was fighting for my life and I was excited to have others bring me smaller pants to try-on! 

Battle with cancer


Right when I was healing from the treatments, I was hit with the news that I was pregnant! I gained every pound right back in a matter of months and seriously cried the entire pregnancy. 

You would have thought I would have gotten the memo by now…right? 

A few days ago with our youngest!


The way you see yourself in the mirror is defined only by the words whispered by the heart within the reflection.

The way you see yourself is NOT defined by the mirror itself. 

We choose to allow the following to define us…

– How people treat us at our school/job

– Words and actions from our family 

– Whether we have found our significant other

But rarely will any of these sources of worth be able to promote a permanent lifestyle change. None of these sources can make you love your body completely. Why? Hello….we base our identity on the words and actions of people exactly like us…others craving the attention, significance and worth that God placed in our hearts to be filled by nothing but Him. 

True life change requires looking not into a mirror, but continually drawing near to His love and His purpose. 

Bethany, I saved you by My grace when you believed. And you can’t take credit for this; it is a gift from Me. Salvation is not a reward for the good things you have done, so you can’t boast about it. For Bethany, you are My masterpiece. I created you anew in Me, so you can do the good things I planned for you long ago. (Ephesians 2:8-10 NLT).

 A few months ago, I found myself at a retreat, looking into the mirror again and through prayer and guidance, I was able to allow God in to the corners of my heart where I felt unwanted, where I felt alone, where I felt hopeless…where I felt abandoned. And…He loved me right there. He didn’t ask for anything…He simply held me…not the disabled me, not the angry me, not the overweight me or even the skinny me…but he held me, a child of God in His arms and I have been growing closer everyday since! 

Peace comes by knowing you no longer need to wait for the mirror to accept you because He already has (and that acceptance and love is unending…just FYI).

Peace is having the power to make healthy choices because you know He has great plans for you. (Re-read the verse above for proof!)

Peace is knowing that those skinny “chemo” jeans of mine do not define my worth – because He doesn’t define our worth by our works.

Peace is the ability to see my Abba Daddy chasing diligently after me my entire life for that moment that He knew…yes, He knew I could accept His love fully…and finally find freedom.

Peace is the ability to sleep at night knowing I’m securely in His hands. 

Peace is knowing He knows me and loves me unconditionally. 

Hope you find peace this week friend! 

…and the journey continues….




  1. Mandy says:

    What a beautiful person you are! Inside AND out! Lived your post πŸ™‚

  2. You have been through so so much Bethany. Finding peace is such a blessing isn’t it ?? Thank you for sharing – what a wonderful post !!

    • Hope…we have so much in common…and it’s just amazing to see how my story can cross paths with so many amazing people on the same journey! Can’t wait to read your blog! πŸ™‚

  3. Janet says:

    Wow…your words have touched me. I will be reading this blog more than once.

  4. I am so glad you have come to a place of knowing you are loved just the way you are. Thank you for sharing the photos and the story of your life. Keep writing, you are a witness to the love of God that many need to hear. I have been blessed again by you. πŸ™‚ Hugs my friend!

    • You have taught me so much on this journey!! The great thing about Proverbs 31 is the ability to have others walk with you and come in to your story as they allow you in theirs. :). Blessed by you friend!

  5. Wow! I am speechless after reading this! What a journey you have been on, thank you so much for sharing your story. I don’t even have any words to describe how I feel after reading your post. Blessed to have read it, thank you for sharing!!

    Kris Danko (OBS Blog Hop Team/Group 30)

  6. belinda says:

    What a beautiful post! Sometimes we forget how much pain others have been through. We think we are so alone. What a wonderful thing to read how much you have overcome! And how you have allowed God into those dark, secret places in your heart, and He has obviously done some wonderful things. You have such a beautiful smile! Thank you for reminding us that no matter what we struggle with, God is always there waiting for us to just trust Him, jump on His shoulders, and trust Him to take us to great heights we never dreamed of going! God bless!
    OBS Group 30

  7. WOW!!! Totally inspiring and very real. LOVE IT!

  8. Sarah group 30 says:

    Your story is captivating, encouraging and awesome in power! I am so glad I picked this blog to read today!

  9. Rosemary (OBS small group leader) says:

    Wow, thank you for sharing your story, and may God’s love and blessing be upon you always.

  10. Cindy says:

    You are so beautiful. Thank you for sharing your story and how God has worked in your life. I’m so glad I clicked on your blog and had the opportunity to read this, “The way you see yourself in the mirror is defined only by the words whispered by the heart within the reflection.” I need to remind myself of that every day.


  11. Lori B (OBS volunteer) says:

    WOW!!! Thank you for sharing and opening your heart with us. You have truly blessed me with your story. I have no doubt that our God delivered you so that he could use you for his glory!

  12. Wanda says:

    Your blog brought tears to my eyes. Thanks for sharing.

  13. Irene says:

    Blessings to you, your family and your health. God is good. I was so touched by your blog. You are beautiful and I know the hurt was deep while growing up, but how powerful and healing is the love of God and fellow Christian ladies on the journey together. Thank you for sharing such a personal story.
    Irene (small group 30)

  14. Sue says:

    Wow! What a story! You have touched my heart Bethany in so many ways! You are a true blessing! Thanks for sharing!

  15. Wow! thank you Bethany. Isn’t God amazing. I have a disability too and it is so powerful to know who we are in HIM!

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