Archive for August, 2012

The Unexpected

Posted: August 20, 2012 in Uncategorized

A few weeks ago, an old friend sent me a message on Facebook. He retold the story of a prayer I prayed during a ministry meeting. I've prayed it before, several times, but when he wrote it the timing just couldn't have been better. My prayer was, “God, wreck my plans and teach me to expect the unexpected.”

That was the day I found out I was pregnant.

I had been feeling a bit “off” but nothing like I had felt prior with the various rounds of chemo, radiation and then IVIG. This was different. I knew it was different too…I just couldn't talk myself into actually getting a pregnancy test.

I ended up getting two different kinds…you know, just to make sure. Later I followed through with three blood tests…could you tell I was in dis-belief?! It took forever to get in for an ultrasound (as in WEEKS…not puddly days…WEEKS), meanwhile, Steve was home on a break from school which allowed him to go with me to the actual ultrasound appointment. I kept thinking, ” They are going to see an empty sac…no baby…or worse, no heartbeat.” I had these thoughts with my other 2 pregnancies, but this one was different. I was told there was no chance I could become pregnant again after the high level of radiation I went through, as well as the misdiagnosis and literal body stress. Once again, I should have assumed I was going to be that one exception to the rule.

The ultrasound went great! As of today, I am 8 weeks and 5 days along…still a very long, adventurous road ahead.

Last year around this time I was feeling horrible headaches, lying in bed in pain and passing-out unexpectedly. One year later, here I am cancer-free and no more IVIG! My appetite is back and I have not gained permission to do any exercise except walking. I've gained non-baby weight like crazy…I went from barely eating one meal a day, to three with enjoying ice-cream too. My doctor told me to not stress over the weight…just enjoying myself and feeling comfortable. The pickle jar is empty too.

So readers, I ask you to join me on yet another twisted-turning adventure. Expect the unexpected! Here we go…again!

The Seed

Posted: August 10, 2012 in Uncategorized

During some of my lowest, hardest and truly darkest days of chemo, I would receive a text or a voicemail from a friend that encouraged me to “Hold onto that mustard seed.”

I did…somehow…

I remember one day, literally sitting outside of the treatment center, hands tightly grasped onto my car seat…keys still in the ignition. I couldn't go in…I was done. I didn't want to go through anymore. My arms were bruised from the various needles, I was sick, tired…I was mad. I got the nerve to call my friend and I revealed my situation…”I'm sitting here, looking at the doors and I REALLY don't want to go in…you gotta say something to get me in there…good luck!” I remember the silence on the other end, a chuckle…and then, “Well, get your keester out of that seat, get in the doors and don't look back….oh and hold onto that mustard seed.”

Gentle bluntness at its finest.

A mustard seed is SO small, yet I do believe this faith of ours does need to go through the trials of this life in order to really take root and grow. I'm not asking for anymore trials…thank you…but wow, I feel like a completely different person than what I was even a year ago.

I hug my kids more.

I don't read the Bible just to get something out of it…I read for my peace and connection with Him.

I know who I am in Christ.

I allow myself to make mistakes.

I allow myself to be forgiven.

I take everyday as a true blessing.

I spend more time with my husband.

I spend more time with my kids.

I know happiness is not earned, but given and recognized.

I know what real joy looks like.

I could go on….but I will end with this thought – if you find yourself in a tough part of life right now, let the dirt pile on…continue to stretch to the Son…”Hold onto that mustard seed.”