TGIF!!

Posted: March 2, 2012 in Uncategorized

I woke-up this morning with sniffles…again. The doctors said sniffles itself are not a big deal…full blown cold is the fear. I'm doing EVERYTHING I can do to keep a full blown cold from coming…but I really haven't been sick (knock on wood) for a long time. At this point, they can and will do the radiation Monday even if the cold is here…chemo will be altered or shortened. They REALLY are pushing for radiation and at least one chemo day…it will help in the demolition of the tumor and cleansing the area of cancer cells. I get it…not looking forward to it…but I understand.

This week has been completely unreal. From the shock of finding out my tumor shrank, to having to move myself to a motel because my boys got sick, from the aftermath of the new intense side effects of this chemo, to a fun day yesterday starting at 8:30AM and not ending until after 6PM! This week has left me going “I'm not sure what to think!”

Yesterday, was rough. I wasn't feeling great, but good enough to drive. Got to the treatment room and the IV was refusing to go in correctly. After a few tries, it was in and within minutes of treatment starting I pass out. They know the routine…they time it, check pulse, blood sugar…grab a drink, grab a snack…wait 30 minutes and retry. Take 2 and within minutes I'm out again. This happens 4 times before the infusion team and cardio team literally break out in world war 3 in my room. It was decided to wait for Dr A before doing anything else. Dr A finally gets there and he calls the head neuro. By this point I have the infusion team, the cardio team, Dr A and my head neuro and his two assistants in my all too tiny room. Dr A was the deciding vote and decided to try again. If the chemo could not be administered, my treatment would end (no radiation or chemo next week)…but they would start all over again in a few weeks and it would be a huge disappointment, leaving an invitation for the tumor to reshape or grow. The 5th try blew the vein completely, but Dr A said that didn't count (it counted in MY book). New vein, new IV…and finally everything started and continued. I was given 2 different anxiety meds…one made me a little too happy and the other stopped pretty much all sane brain function (I would say I was legally high…I didn't really mind much at all). They also had me on oxycodone for the leg pain…so by the afternoon I was in a much better place. By late afternoon the doctors decided it was time for a treatment review…after I was a little more with it. I met with Dr A, lead cardio dr, lead neuro dr, psych team advisor and Skyped in with Dr from Atlanta. It was a reality check. The entire conversation was filled with “You are” statements such as:
You are going to have trouble focusing.
You are going to continue to have CIDP pain.
You are going to have times you forget names,places,events, etc.
You are going to be able to write better than you speak.
You are going to have to take it slow during this break coming up.
You are going to pass out…your body is exhausted.
You are different now…you need to accept that and learn how to adapt.

And these are just a few.

No doubt I have a LOT of challenges set before me. This treatment has a wide variety of temporary and long term side effects…we will discover which ones are which as time passes. But that last statement “You are different now…you need to accept that and learn how to adapt” I wanted to scream. I don't want to adapt. I want to jog three times a week, take my kids to school, go to work, drive and see my families, play in the yard with my kids, go skydiving and call it a day. I don't want to settle for less…not now, not ever.

All of these “You are” statements really ticked me off. I just assumed when treatments ended, I would be back, eventually. Another curve ball…

Because I was drugged, they refused to let me drive home. My designated driver had the Christian FM radio station on and this song came on (I realize the context is different, but the “You are” statements just screamed out at me…check it out

You Are More. By Tenth Avenue North
You Are More lyrics

There's a girl in the corner
With tear stains on her eyes
From the places she's wandered
And the shame she can't hide

She says, “How did I get here?
I'm not who I once was.
And I'm crippled by the fear
That I've fallen too far to love”

But don't you know who you are,
What's been done for you?
Yeah don't you know who you are?

You are more than the choices that you've made,
You are more than the sum of your past mistakes,
You are more than the problems you create,
You've been remade.

Well she tries to believe it
That she's been given new life
But she can't shake the feeling
That it's not true tonight

She knows all the answers
And she's rehearsed all the lines
And so she'll try to do better
But then she's too weak to try

But don't you know who you are?

You are more than the choices that you've made,
You are more than the sum of your past mistakes,
You are more than the problems you create,
You've been remade.

You are more than the choices that you've made,
You are more than the sum of your past mistakes,
You are more than the problems you create,
You've been remade.

'Cause this is not about what you've done,
But what's been done for you.
This is not about where you've been,
But where your brokenness brings you to

This is not about what you feel,
But what He felt to forgive you,
And what He felt to make you loved.

You are more than the choices that you've made,
You are more than the sum of your past mistakes,
You are more than the problems you create,
You've been remade.

You are more than the choices that you've made,
You are more than the sum of your past mistakes,
You are more than the problems you create,
You've been remade.

You've been remade
You've been remade.
You've been remade.
You've been remade.

I really enjoyed that song. God knew what I needed to hear the most, it was His way of saying, “Bethany, you are Mine.” I like that “You are” statement the best.

So…if you are being defined by the world, or your circumstances, defined by your past or you don't see much of a future, may you remember:

'Cause this is not about what you've done,
But what's been done for you.
This is not about where you've been,
*******But where your brokenness brings you to ********

*******This is not about what you feel,
But what He felt to forgive you,
And what He felt to make you loved. ********

You are more than the choices that you've made,
You are more than the sum of your past mistakes,
You are more than the problems you create,
You've been remade.

Ill end by telling why I posted the picture. Long story real short, I lost a bet. One of the techs was showing me how to edit pics on my phone. She reads my blog and we bet on the success of treatments yesterday. I thought there was no way they were going to get it done…thus I lost and my pic was posted. Not too bad…I guess…just not sure what is up with that cheesey grin…

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Comments
  1. debra says:

    There is one thing the doctors never tell patients. When they tell you what is, or will be, they ALWAYS give the “worst case scenario”. Never give up. They tell you the worst, and if people settle for the worst, they may not get better. You have shown that you are a fighter. They have to give you worst case, but always always fight for more. There will be a better day. Keep fighting and someday you will make that shydive!

  2. debra says:

    umm, dyslexia showing 🙂 i meant “skydive”, not “shydive” 🙂

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