When I Fall Apart

Posted: January 3, 2012 in God Moments, Health, Songs

It’s the morning of day 2 of “Juice Ups” (I still laugh saying and typing that…TOO FUNNY!!). Today is completely different than yesterday (expected). I’m back in the Mima complex (where everybody knows my name) and wifi is on again! It is in the 50s here in the Sunshine State. I walked in this morning wearing jeans, a t-shirt, a sweater, a heavy jacket with my hood up and…ready for this…sunglasses! I was on the phone with a friend as I left my car and just didn’t cue my brain to remove my shades. When I checked-in for my appointment, Lisa (at the front desk) immediately put her hands in the air and said, “Take anything you want!” It took me a few minutes…literally…to take in the scene and understand exactly what the humorous situation was all about. After they waited patiently, I looked down at what I was wearing and got it…I laughed, they laughed even harder…welcome home for me! I have been at this facility over 8 times for previous treatments…these guys are like family to me now.

The IV went right in today (only one try…WOW!) and so far the pain is low, plus with wifi on I can play to somewhat pre-occupy my frazzled nerves. And with that, let my launch you into a God moment I had both yesterday and today…I had to wait until today to share, but I’m SO excited to finally share it!

Yesterday around 8AM I’m in the Holmes hospital parking lot about to turn off the car when all of the sudden this song comes on the radio that is literally singing what I’m thinking (ever been there…I figured its just me!). I’m late because they changed my appointment place. I’m nervous because of this new invasive treatment. I’m tired because of my lack of sleep. I’m in pain…enough said there. My whole world is caving in…yet I feel God so much more than before…LITERALLY, that thought was going through my brain and the line, “My whole world is caving in but I feel you now more than I did then…” I froze. My ears perked up. My mouth dropped. I listened. I was still. A chill came up my spine…who knew God spoke through the radio at 8AM in the morning? Halfway into the song my car automatically shut off the radio (to save battery…I already had the keys in my hand and my other hand was gripping the door handle…I was literally about to leave my car when the song came on!). So, I left and after the chaos of getting sick and multiple iv sticks…I tried to call the Christian FM Radio station and all I could remember was that one line. The lady told me she would look into it and email me if anything popped up. I’m truthfully not even sure if I called the right radio station being I tried this after the meds were administered and I was far from my normal self!

Fast forward to today. I got in right at 7:55AM and I was listening to Christian FM from the house to the office and still, my song (of course I owned it now) had not been played. I thought about calling, but this truly sounded desperate so I just rushed as fast as I could into the office because I knew they had a radio I could borrow. Because the iv made it in on the first try (a VERY rare thing for me) I was able to get the radio tuned and rolling shortly after 8AM (exact time not known). I was getting my laptop out and connected and then…I only heard the intro music…but it was it! My song! I just sat there and really listened to the entire song this time. This time I was able to hear who the artist was and the title…some of you already know the song, but for those who don’t – here ya go!

Josh Wilson’s “Fall Apart” LYRICS: Why in the world did I think I could
Only get to know you when my life was good
When everything just falls in place
The easiest thing is to give You praise
Now it all seems upside down
‘Cause my whole world is caving in
But I feel You now more than I did then
How can I come to the end of me
And somehow still have all I need
God, I want to know You more
Maybe this is how it starts
I find You when I fall apart
Blessed are the ones who understand
We’ve got nothing to bring but empty hands
Nothing to hide and nothing to prove
Our heartbreak brings us back to You
And it all seems upside down
‘Cause my whole world is caving in
But I feel You now more than I did then
How can I come to the end of me
And somehow still have all I need
God, I want to know You more
Maybe this is how it starts
I find You when I fall apart
I don’t know how long this will last
I’m praying for the pain to pass
But maybe this is the best thing that Has ever happened to me

My whole world is caving in
But I feel You now more than I did then
How can I come to the end of me
And somehow still have all I need
God, I want to know You more
Maybe this is how it starts
I find You when
You will find me when I fall apart

Mr. Josh Wilson…your song was used by God. It has been literally nagging at me that I feel joyful sometimes during this entire CIDP saga. Why? Literally, I questioned my sanity a few times…especially when all (literally every single one of my doctors) have commented about my smile and optimism. They say it drives me…yet I disagree. I have felt God so strong in my life over these past few months, it comforts and freaks me out at the same time. I don’t have anything together right now. I can’t play with my kids. I’m physically not where I was just a few short months ago. I feel like I haven’t really been there for my church families (though they all disagree)…bills are coming in, Steve’s getting ready for more nursing classes…its INSANE! Yet, I’m smiling?!

My whole world is caving in But I feel You now more than I did then How can I come to the end of me And somehow still have all I need God, I want to know You more Maybe this is how it starts I find You when You will find me when I fall apart

I’m not saying I haven’t lost it. I’m not saying I’m always smiling. I’m not saying I can do this all alone. I’m just saying I’m so happy God is paving a road through this…and carries me on His shoulders when I can’t go any further (I loved piggy-back rides…how can you NOT smile?).

I really prayed hard before starting this blog. I really wasn’t sure if I wanted anyone and everyone to be a part of this journey with me. After all, I don’t have to share anything (hahaha…nanana). Yet, I really have been feeling God telling me that this is my way to use what He has given me (a testimony and the ability to write) to share what He is doing in my life. Like the blog title says…we are all truly Bought As-Is (Sinful nature, way far from perfect bodies, bad attitudes, hurt, pain…the works) but through Jesus Christ we can all be used as His (as He works through our world…when everything is going great and also when everything falls apart). We truly have an amazing God, don’t we?

I wanted to add in another encouraging video made my Josh Wilson sharing the stories from his song. Check it out.
Be encouraged…but don’t stop there. Your life is a testimony…you are Bought As-Is, now GO, be Used As HIS TODAY!

I will try to update again tonight…but if not, just picture me on the sofa enjoying some Sprite (…and smiling!).

In HIM,
Bethany

Joshua 1:9

UPDATE 12:30AM:
I had no idea I enjoyed the word “literally” so much. I just posted without reading that entire post…but you get the raw goodness!

I’m in intense leg and arm pain tonight. BUT this afternoon I had a blast with my kids! I returned home from treatment shortly after 1PM…so I put Josh down for a nap…well, we BOTH napped side-by-side. It has been SO long since I’ve seen Josh sleep…loved it and really needed the nap too! Caden just amazes me…the kid is SO sneaky and smart. I did dishes again tonight and after I was done I found his stash of dirty utensils he stole from the dishwasher! He just smiled…I’m afraid of having 2 talking boys soon!

Tomorrow is going to be a rough morning. Praying that the pain will go away in a few hours so we can start on time. Keep praying!! LOVE YOU ALL!!!!

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